I started thinking about this the other day when I was watching something on the Discovery Channel and realized that I have a completely irrational yet thought-consuming fear: black holes. Seriously. I was watching this TV show about how black holes are formed and what they do once they're in existence, and I could not turn the dang thing off! I mean, I am fascinated with black holes! And absolutely terrified of them.
I mean, why am I scared of black holes? That is, like, the definition of an irrational fear. A black hole isn't going to kill me. Even the narrator on the Discovery Channel said that it would take hundreds or even thousands of years for Earth to be swallowed and destroyed by a black hole. The initial effects on humans even sound good—a subtle stretching of our muscles and lengthening of our bodies as gravity increases. I mean, eventually our arms and legs would literally be ripped from our bodies as our planet was sucked into that vacuous hole of gravity, but we'll apparently all be dead by the time that happens. So why am I scared?
There is no reason for me to be scared of black holes. I know I will not die at the hand of a black hole. I know that my future children will not die at the hand of a black hole. But they really freak me out. Maybe it's just the knowledge that there's some force out there that's so powerful that everything in its path gets sucked in never to be seen or heard from again. I mean, when you think about it, that's just kind of creepy. And scary. And really disconcerting.
Same goes with spiders. Ok, not really. My fear of spiders is not irrational! Not in the least. Spiders are evil, calculating, and malevolent creatures. They sit there—just creeping and crawling and plotting—on ways to get you. I do not think I overreact in the least when I run screaming from a room upon spotting one. Seriously. You underestimate a spider for a minute, and you're dead.
Some people insist that I'm just being ridiculous for my Darwinian aversion to spiders (seriously, you can't survive unless you're always on the lookout!). They go on and on about the size difference, intelligence levels, and blah, blah, blah. They are, in a word, wrong. I am soooo right when it comes to spiders. I mean, why else would they follow me wherever I go (yes, I'm somewhat hyper-aware of these evil and cunning creatures, but my eagle eyes couldn't spot them unless they were really there, right)? Why else would they be evolving (these things are starting to jump!!!!! As if I weren't freaked out enough ...)? Why else would they be deadly?!? I mean, a brown recluse bite can literally make your arm rot off. That is just not ok.
Sometimes I think Satan took the form of a spider after he took the form of a snake. Why else could they be so repulsive and so representative of all things wrong in this world? I, for one, just don't understand why everyone else doesn't see the danger they pose. I mean, honestly—I would not get in a room filled with spiders if I was offered $1 million to do so. Seriously. This fear isn't irrational ... it's one that may very well save my life ... or at least save me from a psychological breakdown (of course it could cause a psychological breakdown if I was forced into a spider-infested room, but we're just not gonna think about that).
Ok, ok ... some of you might think I'm taking this a little far. But what about you guys? You're petrified of being killed in a terrorist attack, but you live in Georgia or Ohio or Idaho. Dude ... terrorists are not gonna attack there. You're just not that important. So deal with it and get over your irrational fear, people. If anyone's gonna get blown up it's me, and I'm not scared of Al-Qaeda (unless they start using spiders as their weapon of choice. Then I'm done for).
Same goes for stupid things like fear of flying, claustrophobia, and acrophobia. Why are you afraid of crashing? If you crash, you crash ... nothing you can do about it, so sit down and enjoy the fact that you are flying through the air. Why are you scared of tight spaces? This one doesn't make any sense unless you're buried alive in a coffin. Then—please, by all means—be scared. Be petrified! I mean ... for heaven's sake, you're stuck in a coffin! But don't get all bajigity on me when you're in an elevator or an MRI machine. You're not gonna get stuck, plummet to your death, or be magnetized into little pieces. You're just being silly. And as far as heights go? Enjoy them! Heights give you a bird's eye view and a beautiful vantage point of your world. Why are you afraid that you're somehow going to go tumbling off into the abyss? Calm the heck down, yo! It's not like you're covered in spiders while standing at the edge of that cliff.
Ok, ok—so maybe I'm not the expert on what makes a fear an irrational one. Maybe nothing's really irrational if it truly scares you. Or maybe it's all irrational. I mean, can we do anything to stay out of closed spaces or avoid black holes or escape terrorist attacks or outmaneuver the ongoing advances of evil insects? I highly doubt it. So what should we do to make us feel better?
I guess we should all channel the lessons Jesse Spano learned when "overcoming" her caffeine pill "addiction." It might be scary for a fleeting moment (or, in the case of Saved By the Bell, just really, really funny), but the panic will subside and you'll get back to your caffeine-free self in no time. And if that doesn't work, just pop a few xanax.
Stay with me here ... xanax actually does seem to solve the symptoms accompanying most irrational fears, so maybe that should be our solution to all irrational safety concerns. If nothing else, xanax certainly would've saved Jesse from that caffeine-induced mental breakdown. Of course if that had happened, my generation would be suffering from an appalling lack of hilarious "don't do drugs" messages in Saved By the Bell. The song "I'm So Excited" and caffeine pills probably never would've made it into our realm of consciousness if xanax had been around. So thanks for implanting that irrational fear amongst us, producers. The '90s just wouldn't have been the same without you.
Now, if only we can find a way to "seriously" mock the existence of black holes ...
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