I think you know where I'm going with this. We get aaaallll those emails that bounce around in cyberspace and eventually end up in our inboxes at least two times, and they all tell us about some new form of impending doom. I'm not saying that this speaks poorly of the kindly folks who forward the warning on to you. I usually continue the forwarding chain (not for fear of bad luck or that I will die if I don't immediately forward it to 20 people), but because it is better to be safe than sorry. How would I feel if one of my loved ones was kidnapped, raped, and/or murdered because I didn't bother to hit the "forward" button on an email?
Unfortunately, due to all my loving friends and family members (along with all those Snopes-verified emails), I am convinced that something bad will happen to me. I will either a) be kidnapped, raped, and murdered, b) have my credit card information stolen in some new and underhanded plot, or c) unwittingly give out my banking information to some sneaky scammer.
I'll start with the first—and scariest—possibility that awaits me. Thanks to emails I've received over the past 4-5 years, I am now terrified to get in my car if there is a panel-sided van parked next to it. Apparently the presence of a panel-sided van always means there are 1) serial killers inside, 2) kidnappers inside, or 3) terrorists inside (well, this one only happens if you happen to be in an episode of 24, but still). I can no longer enter my vehicle if there is a van parked next to it.
Along those lines, I can't get in my car if there is a man sitting in the passenger's side of his car if it happens to be parked next to me either. The presence of a man sitting in the passenger's side of a car undoubtedly means that he is waiting to jump out and abduct me as soon as I turn my back to get in my own car. The only way to avoid my unavoidable and tragic fate is to enter my car from my passenger side and then crawl through the seat—and over the stick shift—to arrive safely in my driver's seat (after I've locked the doors, of course). This rule also applies if the man has backed into the parking spot and happens to be sitting in his driver's seat (which still puts him right next to me). If I ignore this rule, I know that I will die.
As if that wasn't enough to scare me, I also have to quickly scan underneath my car before I get near it to make sure no predator is waiting under there, only to grab my legs, knock me down, and inevitably kidnap, rape, and murder me (after he somehow crawls out from under my car, of course). The same goes for the back seat of my car. You never know who could get in there and just be biding his time to kill you.
You would think that's it for cars and parking lot scenarios, but unfortunately, it's not. I'm also scared to go aid an elderly woman who is calling for help from the front seat of a car because there will always be a big, scary man hiding in the back seat who will jump out of the car, hit me with something, and then shove me in the back seat after I've ventured over to lend a helping hand. He will then kidnap, rape, and kill me. Ladies, if there's an old woman yelling for help, we need to run the other way.
But that's not all. Not only can we not be good samaritans anymore, we can't trust them either. Apparently there are some very clever rapists and murderers out there who will remove the air from one of your tires while you're inside a building doing ... whatever you're doing. It's important to note that they won't slash your tire, because you would obviously notice that. Instead, they'll just take out that air pluggy thing so all the air leaks out (you can tell I know a lot about cars). But this is where you need to get scared. The second you start sighing and wondering what to do with your flat tire, the aforementioned plotter—who happens to be well-dressed and carrying a briefcase—will come over and offer to help. But watch carefully: as soon as he throws your tire iron back into your trunk after changing your tire, he'll throw his briefcase in with it. Then he'll ask you for a ride. If you try to return the favor ... it's too late for you. There's duct tape, ropes, and knives in that briefcase. If you let him help you out and then try to reciprocate, you're dead. Moral of the story? Don't let any well-dressed man with a briefcase try to help you if you have a flat tire. In fact—don't let anyone try to help you if you have a flat tire. Abandon your car and run for your life.
I think that covers it with cars. But we ladies still need to be careful out there, according to all these emails. Now, whenever I hear a baby cry, I'm convinced (and terrified) that it's just a recording of a baby's cry that has been strategically placed in order to lure me out of my house or car so that a serial killer can abduct and kill me. I'm also terrified of people who try to give me money if I've dropped some inside a convenience store. Again, it's just another plot by another clever serial killer to get me to open my door or lower a window. My doors are staying locked, and my windows are staying closed—I don't care how much money you say I dropped or how much that fake baby is crying. Oh, and if you happen to be an unmarked police car trying to pull me over at any time of the day or night? You'd better believe I'm not stopping for you! Because you are obviously a serial killer who is just trying to abduct, rape, and kill me.
I guess the only other things I have to fear are my hairstyle and my walking pace. Because as we all know, rapists and murderers use our ponytails against us. You know, they'll run up behind us and grab our ponytail to pull us down and into the bushes. Ditto with iPods, cell phones, and slow walking. If rapists and murderers see any of the above, we're finished. It's like there's a bulls eye on our backs. It's clear that we're gambling with our lives if we even think about leaving our (locked) rooms.
Whew. There is A LOT to worry about out there, huh girls?!? Good thing we don't have to worry about anyone stealing our debit/credit card or banking information, right? Oh. Wait.
Thanks to the other batch of emails I get (usually once a day), I am now afraid to enter my PIN number on any sort of automated machine, as someone will have attached some tricky little device to copy my bank card info and record my PIN number. Same goes for ATMs. I mean, who knows who's gaining access to my debit card information at any moment of any given day?!?
Because it's not just hidden devices anymore. No, it's gotten much worse. I can't give my card to a waiter or waitress, because they'll try to steal it once they take it over to their little machine ... and then they'll give me a different, expired card in return! Or a waiter, waitress, or cashier will take a picture of my card with his or her cell phone, and WHAM!—my information's been stolen.
Clearly, my only option from this point forward is to go inside the bank, write a check to myself, and carry nothing but cash around in order to protect myself from all those fiends out there. But what am I going to do about those phone calls?!?
Thanks to all those Snopes-confirmed emails, I'm terrified to even answer the phone if it happens to be a number I don't recognize. Because if I answer, I know the caller will find some tricky way to find out 1) my Social, 2) my bank account and/or routing number, or 3) some inordinate detail that they will invariably use to blackmail me.
Obviously, my only option to survive all these perilous traps is to stay locked inside my house, ignoring baby cries, elderly women in need of help, well-dressed men, and ringing phones. My very safety and financial security depends on it.
Now ... if only I didn't have to forward all those chain emails along .... I mean, with all the perils the Internet has warned me about in the real world, I certainly can't take the chance of getting 7 years of bad luck or dying just because I don't send the dang email along! So don't blame me when you become too scared to leave your house, get in your car, wear your hair in a ponytail, use your debit card, or answer your phone either. I had no other choice. Snopes apparently confirmed it.
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