It has become abundantly clear to me that you do not know how to drive. Fact is, you've been getting on my nerves since I moved up to this area, but lately it's just gotten out of hand. So I — as a driver who is not completely brain-dead — am going to give you a quick lesson.
Step 1: Do not drive the wrong way down a one-way street. It really scares me. You of all people should know how to handle one-way streets. Just follow the arrow on the signs, and you should be OK.
Step 2: Use the right pedal. That one's called the accelerator, and it's the one that actually makes your car go. Now, I get that you don't like to drive fast — or even the speed limit in most cases. I'm not sure if that's cause traffic's normally so bad that you don't know what to do when the road actually opens up in front of you, or if it's because you have some kind of personal aversion to going more than 25 mph. Either way, you need to get over it. Please — I beg of you — use the right pedal!
Step 3: Don't make a complete stop when you're making a right turn if you're not stopped at a red light. It's just not necessary, and it really slows me down.
Step 4: It's OK to merge. In fact, it's actually a necessity in many cases. Don't be scared — just accelerate and get to the proper speed before calmly merging into moving traffic. Please reference Step 2 when merging — braking on the on-ramps will not help your cause.
Step 5: Look behind you before backing out of your parking spot. I'm getting really tired of having to blow my horn in order to keep you from hitting me. I shouldn't have to work this hard.
Step 6: Please work on improving your depth perception. That's gotta be your problem — I really can't figure out any other reason as to why you won't make a turn or pull into traffic when the closest oncoming car is 200 feet away. Similarly, I don't understand why you insist on pulling out in front of me when I'm only 10 feet away. It's gotta be a problem with your eyesight. Please get that taken care of because you're 1) infuriating me and 2) scaring the s@*t out of me.
Step 7: Don't stop for absolutely no reason whatsoever while in the middle of a road or intersection. I don't know if you're lost or just plain stupid, but that's ridiculous.
Drivers, I hope this has helped you out a bit. This list is by no means comprehensive, but it does give you the basics for operating a motor vehicle. Please don't get in your car again until you've learned everything here.
Thanks,
Anna
1 comment:
This is awesome! All of the things I've wished to say and more!
Colleen had a good idea recently. She wanted to put fake tickets on cars that were parked, taking up more than one spot, etc.) to let them know that they were being a jerk. I thought the idea was marketable!
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